God and I hugged all day long.

I have had an incredible day. And I know I've blogged the last two days in a row, so you're probably sick of hearing from me, but it's been a great day and I just have to say it! It started with waking up to probably the most warming sun I've seen in days streaming through my window. I seriously stuck my head out of the window, closed my eyes, and grinned. It was great. And then I started reading the journal stuff for today, and there was this verse in Psalm 90:

"Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."

I was, like, YES! I've only been awake half an hour, and already the Love of my life has romanced the crap out of me. Heck yes, I'll sing for joy and be glad!

I walked across campus to Ear Training, and the world was sparkling. Literally. I was part of a Christmas card, or I just walked out of the wardrobe into Narnia, or... maybe God just loved me! I babbled the entire way to my friends about how gorgeous everything was. And what was wonderfully strange was that I felt like I was walking to work this morning, but not work as in music. Work as in God was going to do stuff with me, through me, to me, near me.

I asked one of my friends if she wanted to catch lunch with me, because she's been on my heart for a while and I was just putting it off, I guess. She knows God, but she has said that she knows that that relationship has been put on the back burner so long that it hurts her, and she knows she should go to church but past churches have just put a bad taste in her mouth. So, we grab coffee and chicken wraps, and talk. It was a great talk. She talked about her experiences, I told her my testimony, and you know what? I think I'll see that girl at Living Hope in a few days! There was something in her eyes and the way she started talking, and I think God is reminding her of what He wants to give her. And I think she likes it.

Let's see, what else... oh yeah, I got reminded today about how I'm a grown-up now. You know, getting job applications, being lied to, having to stand in front of 50 people and explain why my organization wants $400 from them... that last one was fun, actually. They scared the crap out of me when they started asking questions, but it was legit fun to field them! I wonder if I could ask them to help appropriate funds to get Living Hope that old Wal-Mart building. And music was fun today! And I met two students in the lounge while they were eating pizza before a meeting of mine, and had some great conversation with them! And I was reminded time and time again today just how incredibly awesome the women in my life are that I get to call my friends. Seriously. My girlfriends are strong and full of personality and passion and laughter! What a contrast to last night when I was remembering how I didn't have too close of girlfriends, and now, I have a great treasure in these women.

Oh, and then, walking to my car after that meeting... well, I had to park it four blocks away earlier that day, so it was a bit of a walk, but the sky was clear today. Did you see it? Go look! And I was feeling completely kissed by God, and so I danced and sang in the middle of the flippin' street for four blocks.I looked ridiculous! And I didn't care! I felt like Mimi from "Rent", only God was getting every ounce of glory out of that one!

But now, to change the mood a bit... I found a link to these videos on a Facebook status this afternoon. My stomach lurched and my heart broke. I tried to embed them, but apparently I can't figure out how to do that. So sometime in the near future, go to this site.


Persecution In India: These Are Your Brothers And Sisters


I promise I'll stop posting so often! I am just so in love and I had to tell you about it!

Me vs. "NothingButKat"

I found my old Xanga tonight, and spent the better part of an hour reading through two years worth of high school angst. If you ever had an old blog of any sort, strain your memory for possible usernames and passwords, and find it. It will make you laugh like none other. I can't describe to you how ridiculous a few posts were regarding a certain Edward Cullen or how dramatic I was about the most trivial things! And I annoyed myself with the big words and long sentences that I strung together. I think I used some of those words just to show that I knew them. Ugh, that's obnoxious.

But here's the thing. I saw the person that I used to be. She talked to me. She made me relive things. She reminded me of the small little worries that I had forgotten about. And while part of it was humorous, another part of it really made me uneasy. I can't quite put my finger on why. I guess you could say that I still see pieces of me in her, and some of the rawness that she made me relive - well, it wasn't pleasant the first time around either. And oh, how much I wish I could've warned that girl about what was coming if she didn't wake up and smell the roses! I can see the snowball as it's forming, and I know the disasters that are coming, and I want to jump up and down and yell, "STOP!!!" And even I can see straight through the Christian facade I had up. Blech. My life was guys, tennis band, show choir, skepticism, and myself. Not God. That's obvious.

I suppose the most irritating part was that I can see things that I'm giving over and ironing out now working full force back then. For example, in literally every other post, I said something about how much I overthink things, or how easily I let the guard around my heart down, or how jealous I was of someone or another, or how much I hated disappointing people, or how I needed to be needed, or how I just wanted to win for once. Those are all things that I've had to work on in my efforts to follow God's lead, not my own, and many of them are things that I have to daily make up my mind against. So, I guess what bothers me the most is that I'm still dealing with them. I mean, that was the old me. She died. I'm done with her. So... why am I still fighting battles with those same themes? I thought I had changed.

This bothered me. I know that God's changed me. I know, with full confidence, that I'm new. I was, like, "Okay, Satan, you're freakin' hitting the crap out of me right now, and I'm not going to stand for it," and I started thinking of this:

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." Philippians 1:3-6 MSG, italics mine

 The truth is, that girl who had that Xanga - she is dead. She is gone. I am no longer her. But at the same time, I wouldn't be who I am right now if it wasn't for her. In a way, I'm extremely grateful for her. I would be an entirely different woman if it wasn't for that girl, if it wasn't for her ridiculous words, if it wasn't for her weaknesses and mistakes, if it wasn't for the huge brick walls she was running right into - both literally and metaphorically. And yes, I'm still working with versions of those same issues, but I'm not a finished work yet. God is nowhere near done with me. Just because that girl died doesn't mean that I still don't have those same tendencies. It just means that I handle them differently, that I'm fighting them instead of giving in to them. And really, they aren't the same fights, because I've conquered so many aspects of each of those issues! The hardest parts, the most crucial parts, have already been done! There has been incredible progress! And by incredible, I mean incredible. The life I used to live isn't even a shadow of the faintest glimmer of the life I live now!

 And God isn't done. He started a work on me - not only that, a great work! On top of that, He isn't ever going to quit on me either. I am going to keep being worn down and built up and molded and shaped... mmhmmm. All in love. The best part is that, even though scraping away at the rough places and hitting the weak spots hurts, beneath all of that stuff is something vibrant and beautiful. I just know it. I can see it shimmering through in some areas. I am vibrant and beautiful because I am God's daughter, and He's working on me every single day so that it shines.

So, thank you, Xanga, for that road marker of where I've been and how far God's taken me. It's exciting to think that, just as much as God has changed me from that point in time to now, He'll keep on changing me. I deleted that Xanga account. It's in the past, it doesn't matter anymore, and it's already served its purpose.

"Not yet what I'm gunna be, but not what I used ta be." - Lecrae

 It's true, dude.

*insert sheep noise here*

I hate cliches. Do you want to know why I hate cliches? For one, I can't spell it right while typing because I don't know how to get the little dash over the "e", and for two, every cliche was once a powerful statement of truth. That's, like, their catch-22, their kryptonite. Because a statement is powerful and true, it is said frequently as a testament to that power and truth. Eventually, it becomes said so frequently that it, while true, has lost all of its power. But we keep saying it. We're beating a dead horse.

What's sad is when that dead horse has to do with Jesus. Christianity is full of cliches. Full. All of those phrases that have been slapped on bumper stickers and t-shirts from the dawn of time - "Jesus loves you." "What would Jesus do?" "I am a child of God." "He died for me." "God is love." "I have a new life." etc. - have been driven into the ground. They're actually annoying now. Cliches cheapen their purpose. But, when you strip them back to what they mean, they floor you with truth. God's done that to me a few times. I'm sitting here, just reading or listening along, and all of the sudden, WHAM. A phrase that my eyes once glazed over suddenly becomes the most beautiful and vibrant nugget of truth ever, so good that it almost hurts. And the crazy thing is that, the more you think about it, the more you realize that you've been stunned with only a facet of the truth that that phrase holds. It's become a treasure trove, and you can't handle it all at once, it's that good.

God did that again today. You know those phrases, "Jesus died for you." and "Jesus died for the world."? Well, at church this morning, a friend of mine was talking to everyone about the sheer necessity of evangelism, and he said something about how it's too amazing of news not to tell, about how Jesus did all of this for him. It hit me then that Jesus did everything that He did - left heaven, came to live as a human, grew up, started His ministry, was ridiculed and criticized and hated, lived a life on the road, was betrayed and abused and killed for my sins, lives again! - He did all of that for me. Me. And I know that there are so many ways to unpack the immensity of truth that that is, but the part that hit me in it all today was that I could take those two phrases that I mentioned earlier and smush (that's a technical term) them together to read, "Jesus would've died for you if you were the only person in the world.", and it would still be true.

Here, read this.

"Suppose one of you had a hundred sheep and lost one. Wouldn't you leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness and go after the lost one until you found it? When found, you can be sure you would put it across your shoulders, rejoicing, and when you got home call in your friends and neighbors, saying 'Celebrate with me! I've found my lost sheep!' Count on it - there's more joy in heaven over one sinner's rescued life than over ninety-nine good people in no need of rescue." Luke 15, 3-7 MSG

A hundred sheep - that's a whole lot of sheep - and any person in those days would've stopped everything and done anything to find it. Why? Because sheep had enormous value in their eyes. Well, this is a parable, so it also applies to Jesus. He would've stopped everything and done anything in order to bring one lost, searching, and hurting soul back to Him. Yes, He did just that for the entirety of the human race, but He would've done it for just one person. He would've done it just for me. Why? Because I have enormous value in His eyes.

Because He loves me.

The enormity of that is staggering. It's hard enough to wrap my mind around the fact that God would bother to save the world, but that He would've done the whole thing even if it were just me? Really? I can't understand it, and every time that I try to grasp it better, I just kind of wind up melting into a pool of extreme gratitude and love. The fact that someone - not only just someone, but the Creator of the universe and the King of everything! - would willingly die for me... whoa. I'm a sheep. I don't deserve that. I in no way deserve that. But that's the glory and the wonder of it. That's love.

And to think that that's the kind of God that I serve? Well, then my friend is right. I have to tell people. It's not a "have to" out of obligation, it's a "have to" because the core of my soul aches to. It's like the difference between being told by your mom to go use the restroom before a trip and actually having to go extremely bad to the point where it's not even a question - you're going to use the restroom. I know, I know, wacked out analogy, but it makes sense, doesn't it? I have to tell people about this. If I don't, I'll burst! The more that I sit here and think about it, the more that I just wonder at how much God spoils me... it almost hurts because I'm not capable of dealing with the emotions! Mmmmmm.... I have to tell people. Those girls that I've had on my heart the past few days? I have to tell them. I have to take advantage of the opportunities that I haven't been taking to tell them. The people that I rehearse with day in and day out? I have to tell them. Actually tell them. It's not even a question anymore. I want to.  I have to. I need to.

Quotes that never made it to tweets.

The deepest aspiration in my heart is to be one of those cool, deep, insightful people who post religious thoughts on their Twitter. Half of my friends do that, and I sit there and go, "Hmm... well... the line at W.O.K. is really long... let's tweet about that." I'm reading this week's chapter of God's Lavish Grace today, and stuff hit me. Like, I was underlining at least one sentence on every page. And I don't usually underline books. Which is a mod habit that I want to sometime get into, but eh. Anyways, so I kept thinking, "Oh! I can tweet that!" but after the third one, I just threw in the towel. Forget tweets. I'm not an avid Twitter-er. I'll blog about it. Besides, that's the downfall of tweets - you say something, and then you just have to leave it at that. I talk too much for that.

"God's gifts are not rewards. They are not proofs of holiness or marks of maturity, only given to the most advanced Christians do demonstrate God's approval of their spiritual progress."
How often have I felt guilty at church because I don't have a tongue, a word, a song, or anything? How often have I looked at people who do and wanted so badly to be as strong in Christ as they are? It's such a terrible, painful feeling... and it's pure ridiculousness! Christianity is not a competition, is not a popularity contest! God doesn't play favorites. He doesn't sit up there and say to Himself, "Oh, well, Sohaib is did a good job praying last week, so let's give him the gift of healing." No! He loves each of us, and has gifts for each of us, and it's by His grace that He gives us those gifts - by grace alone. If we say that we can't do anything in our power to save ourselves, if we say that we can't do anything in our power to redeem ourselves, if we say that we can't do anything in our power to make God love us more, then how hypocritic and idiotic of us is it to think that we can somehow receive spiritual gifts by something in our power? We can't! All we can do is ask for them, and God will provide them as He sees fit. It's not like the star system used in elementary school. Spiritual gifts aren't Pokemon cards. You don't collect them, and you aren't a better Christian if you have more or if you have the "cooler" ones. They aren't report cards. They are an overflow of God's grace. And nothing more.

"Beware of the danger of missing [grace] by questioning, 'Who am I to do this?' ...Beware the danger of thinking that because you are not as prominent as the next person, God's grace is not functioning through you."
This fits in so well with the problem of comparing myself that I have, and that kind of tied into the first thought. Can we really sit and soak in God's grace if the entire time we're saying, "Why me? I suck at this, and that other person is so much better"? No one person is better than the other in God's eyes. Ugh, that lie that Satan spins and throws at us is so potent. But it's a lie. It's a baldface lie. "Who am I to do this?" I am a child of God! I have the righteousness of Christ! I have the power of the Spirit! I have the favor of God! Who am I NOT to do this? Comparing myself to others gets me absolutely nowhere.

"Don't develop the attitude that it doesn't really matter; God will always forgive me; grace covers it; I can do whatever I like."
I never really thought that I struggled with this until I started thinking a bit more about it. I'm fighting an epic thought battle right now. My heart is having to give up some emotions and hopes and stuff that it doesn't want to, and so certain thoughts keep on coming to my head, certain memories keep being hit on replay. It'll be so hard for God to heal me if I keep picking at that wound. God and I have talked about this. I have to play defense against my thoughts. This. Is. Vital. But it is so easy, when something pops into my head, to think, "Let's just entertain this for a little while longer... God's going to keep working on me, and He knows this is hard..." That is sheer abuse of God's grace. Just because it is true that God will never give up on me in this and that He knows fully how difficult and painful this is, I in no way have the right to keep feeding those thoughts just because of those truths. It does matter. As much as it hurts to put a stop to those thoughts and really dig out this stuff going on in my heart and in my head, it absolutely, without a doubt has to happen. And I can't use grace as an excuse to keep putting it off.

"You can be enthusiastic, but wrong! Paul describes the Jews of his generation as 'having a zeal for God but not according to knowledge'. ...People can give all their devotion to something that will ultimately prove to be in vain because it's not what God requires."
I am enthusiastic. Often. That's probably one of the top twenty words that could be used to describe me. And when you couple enthusiasm with God, then I really get excited. But this is something that God has worked on me in the past - just because something is good, just because something will benefit the Kingdom, doesn't mean that it's for me to do. I have to channel and focus my enthusiasm. Otherwise, it's just a lot of works. And this plays into the pride issue that I'm working on - sure, I want to help out and do all of this stuff, but is it what God wants? Or is it what simply what I want, and are my motives actually pure? Yeah... tough questions... still working on that. =)

"We live with grace. Grace works with me. Grace is my partner. Sometimes you feel like you are hardly working at all because God's grace is working in you."
I always considered grace a one-time thing. I was a sinner, grace found me, I am free. But grace never ends! Ah... mmmm. =) And that's all I have to say about that.

"It was not about dramatic power ministry. It was about the challenge of day-to-day routine."
This was Terry Virgo's comment on the Philippians verse that is quoted so often - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And while that is true, how often do we selectively apply it? I know that, when I think of that verse, I think of these big ideas and wishes that I have about people knowing Christ and love being shown and walls being demolished. And that's true. But the "things" that I can do through Christ also includes the littler stuff. Like getting through my Wednesdays. Like not being frustrated to the point of tears about music theory. Like not having a bad lesson. Like having a bad lesson. My days wear me out, I'll admit it. But I can do it, because of Christ. He cares just as much about my little things as He does about the big global things.

Love.

You know what? It's Valentine's Day. And I'm single. AND I LOVE IT. What more can I want than a Jesus who loves me so, so, so very perfectly. Mmmm. It's beautiful and gorgeous and I just love it. Anyways, it's been an interesting weekend. A lot of revelations, you might say. And I was trying to think of what I could post for the special holiday, and I remembered a note I wrote on Facebook a few months back. And because I am tired and I think I'm just going to sit and do more Jesus lovin', I'm simply going to repost it here. So, enjoy.

"I had the most incredible dream last night. I remember that it was incredible because I woke up grinning with this strange feeling in my heart and an irresistible desire to sing (sidenote: I did not actually sing because I can basically sing bass in the mornings... and I'm not joking...). Sadly, I only remember one thing from the dream, but the scene was beautiful, so let me try to paint it for you.

Imagine a backdrop of a cloudless orange and purple sky - you know, the beautiful ones that are right between a sunny summer afternoon and a gorgeous sunset, without the grungy half hour of dusk. And there's an inner city street, and there's people. The people that you would expect to see in an inner city - poor, various ethnicities, perhaps a little ragged around the edges. And there was an open fire hydrant that was spraying up in the air and out onto the street, catching the colors in the sky and throwing them everywhere. And we were there. Yes, we. I know I was there, and all around me, I saw faces of my friends, so you might've been there too, so let's just say that you were.

And in the middle of the street, all of us - poor, rich; old, young; white, black; conservative, liberal; ALL OF US - danced in the water.
And sang.
And laughed.
And praised.
And hugged.

There was LOVE.

I can't pretend to have the words to define what love is, but it seems like lately, I've been wanting to see more of it. Actual love, not the water-down version of it that the world tries to throw a pretty bow on and mass market. Love that realizes that every person out there is a human being. Love that couldn't care less about color or appearances or politics or social differences. Love that hurts when it sees someone out there without food, or without a roof, or without a coat. Love that knows that there is more than enough for everyone if everyone only took what they need and didn't keep the rest for themselves. Love that doesn't have ulterior motives. Love that loves others and not itself.

You see, the movement that Jesus started wasn't about rules, or about policies, or about traditions. It was about love. Jesus was about love. The kingdom of God is about love. And we can catch glimpses of it every day when we live every day with that love. That actual love. That love that heals and empowers and goes against everything but still makes a difference.

I want that. I want to see more of it. I want to taste it every day of my life, because I know without a doubt that love will win and has won, and I want to live in that victory. The world that I see and that I live in is starved for real love. It's hurt, it's aching, it's bleeding. Love can fix that. It already is."

Yup, David, it is.

It's definitely been a while. I apologize to my reading base of... oh... one, maybe two? =) I've had a lot of stuff to figure out lately. God let me know, in no uncertain terms, something that He and I are going to be working on for a while. And it has gotten better. Also, there's the whole issue about being used, led on, and manipulated by a friend that I started letting my walls down around, and I am tempted right now to really unload about that because there is a lot of hurt aching in my gut, but I think I'm going to make the wiser decision and not. Anyways, for those reasons, I haven't really had time to do much extra writing (or I didn't trust myself to). But I am back, wahoo!

So we're reading this book by Terry Virgo called God's Lavish Grace, and there is apparently a scene in 2 Samuel that I never realized. David was wanting to build a house for God, and God basically came down, told him not to worry about it, and whispered promises of the plans that He had for David. It was beautiful, and David realized it. All he could do with sit there, dazzled and overwhelmed, and ask, "Is this Your usual way of dealing with man?" That's 2 Samuel 7:19, by the way.

The raw honesty and emotion in David's single question really spoke to me, because the amazing thing, yes. That IS God's usual way with dealing with man. Despite what we deserve and what we do or who we are, God find extreme joy in loving us just for the sake of loving us. And all we can do... well... be loved. It's a weird feeling, being loved that fully, especially by God. It's one of those incredible feelings that makes your heart feel funny, and you almost want it to stop because you're overwhelmed, but at the same time, you don't ever want it to stop. And the amazing thing is, it never will. I don't have to do anything to deserve it. I won't be hurt by it. I won't have to second guess it. It just is, because He just is.

I love that. Oh, I love that. How often do I feel God's love and then go, "Okay, God, You love me, so let me do this..." And lately, I feel like He's saying "Hold up. Just let Me love you for a bit." Why is it so hard for me to just sit in it? It should be easy, but it's not always. The overwhelming aspect I mentioned sometimes is uncomfortable because I DON'T deserve it, and I CAN'T pay it back. But God isn't expecting me to. He just wants me to enjoy it. Mmmm.

I wonder how many...

The Union was ridiculously crowded today. Like, ridiculous. And in the middle of a twenty minute wait for fried rice, I had a thought. Which led to another thought, as tends to be the norm. Which started a train. And that train was this.

I wonder how many strands of hair are in the Union this very second.
I wonder how many students are wearing Northwest clothing.
I wonder how many times a laugh can be heard in a minute.
I wonder how many girls have manicures.
I wonder how many guys are going to play racquetball later.
I wonder how many textbooks have more doodles than notes.
I wonder how many people are stressing about some class or another.
I wonder how many hearts are either broken or soaring.
I wonder how many people are walking around confident in their major.
I wonder how many girls woke up, looked in the mirror, and thought horrible thoughts about themselves.
I wonder how many addicts are in a food line.
I wonder how many guys are thinking about that girl.
I wonder how many people feel insignificant.
I wonder how many people are already thinking about that party this weekend.
I wonder how many people miss home.
I wonder how many people hate the thought of going home.
I wonder how many people have never had a home.
I wonder how many tears have been held back.
I wonder how many laughs have been empty.
I wonder how many times she just does that for attention.
I wonder how many times he uses her and exploits her insecurities.
I wonder how many cuts he has on his wrist today.
I wonder how many people know God.
I wonder how many people realize that God knows the answer to all of these thoughts.
I wonder how many people know that God actually does know how many strands of hair are in the Union today.
I wonder how many hearts have truly been given over.
I wonder how many souls are yearning for church.
I wonder how many souls have been hurt by church.
I wonder how many people have had the real Gospel explained to them.
I wonder how many people have actually never heard of Jesus.
I wonder how many students have just given up on the whole thing.
I wonder how many people want to know, but are scared to ask.
I wonder how many stories are behind all of these pairs of eyes.
I wonder how many of those stories I don't know.
I wonder how many of those stories I could know if I just asked.
I wonder how many people would feel Jesus if I just talked to them.
I wonder how many opportunities I've missed in my life to do just that.
I wonder how many people know God's love.
I wonder how many people I could show that love to.

My fried rice is ready.

Real quick before I have to go.

I have no idea what I'm going to write about. I'm just frustrated with MusicLab and with the fact that the PAS article is 181 pages long, and so I decided that I'm going to take a step back and just write for a bit. I have plenty of free time today. The other things will get done. Unless it has to do with the formal dance at the end of the semester, in which case, nothing seems to ever get done... although I did just get off the phone with the senior center. Yes, it is very unglamorous, but I have hit walls everywhere else, so guess what ladies and gents? We're dancing where some friendly old lady probably BINGO'd the night before! Yeah! And then I have no idea what to do about music. Our past DJ has kinda, urm, sucked, and people are like, hey! Let's make playlists on our iPods and just go that route! which seems fine but it's different from the past and I feel like it's going to blow up and all fingers are going to be pointed at me...

Wait, what am I doing? I was going to take a break. Okay. Ooosfahbah.

How about I write about some things I am thankful for? That ought to serve as a reality check and put me back into focus.
I am thankful for...
- a brother that always cheers me up when he comes over and calls me just to say that he loves me.
- a family back home that loves me more than I think I realize at times.
- the staggering chain of events that had to be orchestrated by God to get me to Northwest and, therefore, Living Hope.
- "sibling' rivalries and spats with percussionists.
- the sun!
- running water, hot food, a roof, and all of the things that I have because of where I was born and disgust me when I realize how much I take them for granted.
- people who push me out of my comfort zone.
- friends that mean more to me than the world and that I can be real with.
- Biscuit.
- the fact that, no matter how much crap I get, I know that those same people have my back.
- Kramer's theory and ear training classes.
- second chances.

Crap, I have to head out. Sigh... but this was good...

I lost my train of thought halfway through this.

• Jan. 31st, 2010 at 10:04 PM

I am watching "Heroes" right now. And I don't mean that as in currently, this very second, I am watching "Heroes" on the television. I mean that, due to a deal that I made with a friend of mine, I am starting at Season 1 and working my way through. I never watch TV series. I have started, like, three of them, and then life gets busy and after missing two weeks worth of episodes, I lose the story line completely and give up. But let me just say that I am a huge fan of "Heroes" so far, four episodes in.

The reason I am mentioning this is because I noticed a reaction or two of mine somewhere in episode 3 and episode 4. There were relationship scenes, as we'll call them, and my gut reaction was to get frustrated, slightly disgusted, very broken for the characters, and want to take each of the characters and shake them and tell them that they did not need to be doing what they were doing. And really, looking back, I've had this reaction to movie relationships for a while now. I didn't use to be like this. I used to watch movies and hope that there would be some good romance scenes. Now, the lines that I hear that would've made me swoon are making me gag and consider the boy a dog, and the kisses that would've made me envious are making me sad because there is no commitment involved, and the bedroom scenes just make me frustrated because there are no rings. This change in mindset isn't recent, but it just hit me today how deep the shift was in me. And I think that the change in my mindset has come from realizing more fully one simple fact:

This is not how God intended for relationships to be.

It breaks my heart to see girls falling for lines, to see people passing around their heart like dollar store candy, to see people willingly enter rebound relationships. I used to be one of those people. But God is so, so, so, so, so much better. He CREATED romance. He is the ultimate pursuer, He knows how to win my heart more than anyone ever will know, and He loves me more purely than anyone ever will. People chase these empty relationships, but they're chasing the wrong thing. In fact, they don't even have to chase at all. God is chasing them. And it makes me melt to think about how perfect He is. He wants to be the man I gossip to my friends about. He wants to be the special someone I spending hours thinking of. He wants to talk to me about every hurt, every joy, every concern. He won't ever break my heart. He won't make me cry from hurt, but will be there for me when I do. He will stand up for me when others put me down. He is never too busy for me. He is jealous for my time and longs to talk to me more. He never plays hard to get and wants me to stop doing it at times. He says things that take my breath away. He is stronger than any man will ever be, and He'll always tend to what I need. He knows exactly what makes my heart skip.

Why on earth would I choose anyone besides Him?

And I know that, someday, He'll bring a man along. Yes, I am admitting right now that my argument regarding me being single forever and becoming a nun is completely false. =P But if he is letting himself be romanced by God (or whatever it is guys call it when someone wins their hearts) and I'm being completely captivated by God, then we're going to respect eachother and love eachother because we respect and love God.

I don't know... I just want to take every girl in the world who is letting herself be hurt and say "Stop it! You're worth so much more, and there is a God out there that is desperate to take your heart! Let Him!" I want to take every guy aside and say, "You have no business doing anything until God shows you what a man is." And I want to take every person in an unhealthy relationship and push them into a freaking ocean of God. Then maybe "Heroes" won't make me frustrated.

Or at least, that's what I think.

Here's something to chew on - you know how people always say that you shouldn't care what other people think about you? Well, as I was doing my journal today, I noticed this (Acts 2:42-47), regarding the Christ followers after the Spirit came down and wowed them, and this was the part that stood out to me: "They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people."

I think that real Christianity is incredibly attractive to people because it is exactly what so many people are yearning for every day. People want to feel a selfless love. People want some hope for the brokenness they see in their world and in themselves. People want to live for something more. Now, people may or may not believe in Jesus, but what He stands for and the way that He lived His live will always ring true in the hearts of humanity when it is seen truly and in its purest form, without any religious propaganda or placing a price tag on it. Jesus started a grassroots movement that was all about and defined by love. The entire Bible, the entirety of God, is about love, first and foremost, and nobody - not a single person, when you strip them down to their hearts and souls - is against love. The problem is that the movement that Jesus started morphed into a religion, and with religion comes rules, and before you know it, we're killing ourselves and fighting against ourselves, because we're preaching love one second and throwing traditions on people the next. It is not love when a person has to jump through hoops to experience it. The religion is getting in the way of the movement, and that is heartbreaking, because that movement attracts. I mean, look at the last bit of that verse chunk: "And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." And all they did was live in love.

Anyways, I italicized what I did earlier on purpose because it says "all people". That means everyone. Even the people who were fighting against the movement of Jesus respected them. Even Jews respected them. They might not have agreed with them, and they might have wanted to kill them, but you can't help but respect love. And so that made me wonder - is the attitude of not caring what other people think, in some respects, getting in our way? Is it just becoming aloofness, arrogance, or apathy? Whoa, alliteration, I didn't even mean for that. Sweet. Why wouldn't we care what other people think?! Aren't we supposed to be reaching those other people!? We should absolutely care!

Notice that I say "care". Not "conform". We have Truth, and Truth absolutely can NOT conform to the world. We conform to Truth. But maybe it's the fact that we don't care that people are so disgusted with Christianity! Maybe we should listen when people say that Christians are hypocrites. Are we? Maybe we should listen when people say that Christians aren't acting like Christ. Is it true? Maybe we should listen when people say that Christians are judgmental, stereotyping, and close-minded. Are we?

I want people to see Jesus when they see me and how I live my life. And if they don't, then I'll admit it - I care what they think. Perhaps the biggest litmus test of whether we're following Christ is if people who don't can tell that we do, and when they see Christ, when they see what He stood for, then they'll at least come to respect it, if not believe it. What people think matters a lot.

Jesus rocks face.

Do you ever get hit with random tidal wave moments of "Dude, Jesus was freakin' B.A."? I mean, sure, you can call me irreverent if you'd like, but I mean it. For all of the talk today of people saying that they're legit or that they're truly themselves or that they're not going to stand for anything, Jesus lived it. Jesus DEFINED legit. Jesus was so thoroughly Himself. Jesus spoke His mind so poignantly and so passionately, but He did it in a way that was steeped in love and purpose. And Jesus didn't put up with Pharisees for anything.

I remember the first time that I actually laughed while reading the Bible. Yes, there is a correlation between this and how awesome Jesus is; just wait. I was reading Luke 20:1-8. Basically, the Pharisees were down to grasping at straws to accuse Jesus of something, of ANYTHING, and so they come up to Him while He's doing His thing and preaching, and say, "Where's your credentials? By who's authorization are you speaking and acting like this?" Jesus knew what was going on. He knew they were trying to trap Him, so He comes back with probably the best retort in all of history - "Answer me this one question first. The baptism of John - who authorized that one? Heaven or humans?" And the Pharisees were, like, "...uh..." and huddled together and basically realized that they couldn't say anything. They either had to say heaven and then accept Jesus' authorization from heaven, or say humans and basically be lynched because the Jewish culture considered John a prophet, and they were pretty particular about their prophets. They couldn't say a thing! So they just stood there and sheepishly kicked their feet and said, "We don't know." And so Jesus said, "So I don't have to answer your question either." JESUS FOR THE WIN!!! I mean, seriously, could anyone have done better? Jesus rocked. He wasn't going to play their game. It's like a huge biblical boo-ya.

It did raise a question for me, though. The authorization was from heaven, so why didn't Jesus just say so? Why did He circumvent the question, albeit in an awesome way? It's because the Pharisees didn't really care to know. They just wanted to find some way to hook Him. They didn't care, it wasn't going to affect them, their hearts were hardened, and they weren't listening. Jesus knew that. So why play their game? Why give them that power? Why answer questions when He knew that the answer wasn't going to cause a change? Sometimes, I wonder if that applies to us as well.

I ask God questions; oh, I ask Him so many questions. I'm a curious person, and I don't like not knowing things. And although I know that God listens to my questions, I often wonder why He doesn't answer them all of the time. He could even answer with a no. I don't care. I just want to know. And so this story got me to thinking... is it because I wouldn't really listen - really, truly listen with my heart and soul and faith - to the answer? Is it because He knows that, regardless of what He says, I'm going to keep heading down a path blindly anyways, and so why not let me until I come to Him with an open heart and a surrendering will? It makes sense. If the answer isn't going to change me, then it serves no real purpose at all.

I realized that this week. I've had a lot to process from the weekend, and it hit me that during the time of initial frustration and anger and tears, when I was literally yelling question after question at God (and just as a side, He wants us to do that at times - He's more than big enough to handle our temper tantrums), I didn't want to know the answers. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to cry. And the only answer that I would've actually wanted to hear was God saying, "Just kidding!", and even then, I probably would've been angry. Answers weren't going to do any good right then. So, God let me have my tantrum. He let me get all of my feelings out, and clear my heart and head. And then - and only then - He started whispering glimmers of answers to me. I realize now that I would've completely rejected those answers when I was yelling my questions. But now? Now, they're the most beautiful form of comfort and vision and passion and love...

God is good.

A beautiful thing happens when young men and women come together under a zealous banner of God for a weekend. In a manner of a few days, God breaks us into humility and submission, works on and molds our hearts and thoughts and desires (basically performs surgery!), and sets us completely on fire and free as the healing begins. It's beautiful. It's beautiful to see so many hearts saying yes. It's beautiful. It's beautiful to see so many distractions and inhibitions and fears fall to the ground in the face of grace and love and truth and passion. It's beautiful. So, so very beautiful.

God did surgery on my heart too. I got a glimpse of the clarity that I was wanting so desperately - but then I didn't like it. It wasn't that I wasn't excited for it; I just didn't like the fact that God was going to have to prepare me for it, to prune me, to use me where I was first. And then, once I became content with that, He laid it on the hearts of my friends to go serve elsewhere. And He also answered one of my biggest prayers regarding a distraction in a way that, while good, hurt so much. Why? It didn't seem fair! What was going on? Why did I have to stay here? What was I supposed to sink my teeth into? Why were the people that I loved so much leaving? I was angry. I was bitter. I cried, I yelled at God.

And I found the truth behind why all of this was happening to me: Because God is good.

He has a plan that is so much bigger than me. The adventure that He has put my feet on is going to blow my mind, but I have to do things His way. It's like spelunking. Which, if you haven't done, you should try. Before you get into the cave, the guide usually tells you about all of the things you're going to crawl to and what you'll see, and it's exciting! But if you just dive right in there before the guide, you're going to get lost or hurt or scared or all three. You have to do things the right way. The same with God. He gave me that glimpse - and it's exciting! So exciting! But I have do follow Him, not run off on my own. And in the following, He's not going to just lead and leave me alone back there. I have heart work that needs done. My character needs strengthened in areas that I've known and just kind of ignored, to be honest. It's time to do the pruning. And it hurts; oh, how it hurts. But it is good. That is the truth: God is good. I learned from a pruning task this summer that, once I get past it, I am so much more free! It's beautiful. The same with this. I have to trust that there is something incredible and free on the other side of this hardness and hurt. I'll grow! He'll be able to use me in ways I never thought possible! He'll show me things about Him that I never knew! He'll give me gifts that I never would've imagined!

And, to be honest, I WELCOME this time of pruning, because God prunes those that He can use. As you grow, things have to be cut off or changed. The fact that God is doing all of this to me shows that He has bigger things in store. Now THAT's a promise I can rest in.

God is good. This is good.

I've been thinking, overthinking.

I have been accused many a time on many an occasion of overthinking things. And although I'll fight it at the time and ask how overthinking something is any different than just regular thinking, I know that I'm guilty of it. I would blame it on being a girl, because we're notorious for that, but that's like a guy blaming his gender for his completely lack of respect towards women or his penchant for crude jokes. It may be the stereotype and it may be true in most cases, but that in no way makes it right. Now, it may seem like overthinking is in a much lesser ballpark than disrespecting women or laughing at off-color jokes about anatomy or the like, but who gets to decide if one thing is worse than another?

Here is another word for overthinking - worrying. Anytime that I space off during class because I'm playing out various scenarios regarding something that I have absolutely no control over, I am worrying about it. Anytime that I take one comment and go over all of the things that it could possibly mean, I am worrying about it. And friends, I do that. Alot. And so, although I would like to think that I am pretty laidback and easygoing, in truth, I am one of the biggest worriers out there.

I read in Luke today the whole thing about why we shouldn't worry, and there was one part where He explained one of His reasons for telling people that. And essentially, worrying traps us into putting the focus on ourselves and what we can get, instead of freeing our hearts to respond to what God gives. And that hit. Because, really, not only am I accomplishing absolutely nothing by worrying and overthinking, I'm also putting all sorts of crap on my heart that distract me from God's voice. Lately, it seems like it's just been one distraction after another, one thing to think about constantly after another. Oh, Satan, you are tricky. But God wins. He showed me what you're trying to do. And you won't win. It's almost as if God's whispered to my heart, "Daughter, know that the big things rarely happen when you ask for them, nor do they typically come from who or where you expect. That's the beauty. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn't even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible for you to foresee. So, darling, chill. Be patient.".

Okay, God.

I'm done worrying. I'm done feeding certain thoughts. And I'm done trying to win this mind struggle by myself, because I can't take thoughts captive on my own. I mean, it's myself pitted against myself. I can't win that. God isn't asking me to. He wants to fight for me. And, to be truthful, although I had a battle plan, I was only playing defense. When I thought came - and I actually noticed that it came in the first place - I'd try to redirect it. That's defense. No, God and I are going to play offense now.

Overthinking is overrated.

Not insigntful in ANY way.

I am frustrated. Do you know why I am frustrated? Because things cost money, and so there are different processes for handling that money, and different ways to format that money in order to spend that money, and everything is so confusing and ridiculous. Things just need to be free. Or be based on an exchange-of-service system. You give me percussion music and a messenger bag, and I'll knit you a scarf and take you to church. Good? Good.

I won my first game of Risk EVER yesterday afternoon! And I realized that never need I be a general. I sucked. If it wasn't for my friends giving me advice and such, I would've died instantly. But regardless... it was fun. And not necessarily because of the game; it was because of the people. I have two families. One of them is biological. One of them is my church friends, from any town or city, and break was difficult because I missed them all so terribly. When I spend time with them, it is ALWAYS good. I ALWAYS benefit from it. That's what fellowship and accountability is supposed to be, right? I'm so glad that I have that in my life.

Today is the first day of classes for the semester. I love fresh starts. I love how the music theory class went this morning (I might actually grasp concepts this semester!!!). I love my lighter course load, although one of the ensembles is going to be doing a lot of in-the-week touring which will probably get old fast. I love walking across campus. I love friendly faces in the music hall. I love Union food. I love college. And although there are times when I want out and I want to go do bigger and better things in different places, I love this. And there's so much work to be done for Him here.

You know, some of the best text conversations consist of quoting Disney songs back and forth.

One of my many "moms" has a birthday tomorrow... it's time to crank out another cake... ha ha, Wonder Woman.

Bah, I'm beginning to like Twitter... stop it.

I did something horrible this morning. I'm serious. I don't know how to live with myself, and I'm warning you now, fair reader, that it might mar your opinion of me as well. I was doing my journaling this morning and... I... QUOTED A TWEET. There! I've said it!

You know, I think I'm going to keep Twitter due to one observation that I made - it's only as useful as the people that you follow. I mean, sure, I can follow celebrities and businesses if I'd like (and I do have a few), but most of the people that I follow are friends and church people that I look up to and are encouraged from. And I've come to the conclusion that those church leaders are in some sort of competition to come up with the most insightful ah-ha! tweet of the day. Yesterday, the winner (in my mind) went something like this: "Living on the edge doesn't mean we see how far we can push ourselves. Instead, listen to God and respond, obedience brings true adventure." And that resonated somewhere in my heart, because ever since I started an actual relationship with God - and I say actual, because I faked it for years - it HAS been an adventure. Who can say God is boring and dull and does nothing?!! Ohmigosh, He's moving EVERYWHERE! And I read in the New Testament about the zest and passion that the followers of Christ had, and the adventures they went on for Truth, and it thrills me. A life in God is anything but boring. It's exciting in every sense and tense of the word.

And so I quoted that tweet because I sometimes (read: oftentimes) fall victim to that. I want a life of adventure. I want voyages and stories and experiences that I can share in heaven when I FINALLY have all of my friends around me forever. The problem is that, well, adventures aren't exciting when you're going it alone. And, in the case of God-adventures, then if you go in headstrong by yourself, then you're not only going it alone but you're going it without a road map or really any idea of what you're supposed to be doing. Because God tends to like giving us just what we need to know and nothing more so that we HAVE to follow Him. I think He gets a kick out of it. Regardless, it's exciting! Take the church plant in Maryville. Ohmigosh, we all have such dreams and visions for it! Our hearts are all in it; there's no doubt about that. But there are so many different ways to get to those dreams that, if we take off by ourselves, we're liable to get lost, get discouraged, and get sick of it. God knows the plan - heck, He MADE the adventure in the first place! And who's to say that His dream and vision doesn't completely blow ours out of the water? It usually does. No, the only way to actually have an adventure - to live that life of experiences and uncertainty and thrill - is to follow God.

That seems to different from anything we've ever been told. People who follow rules don't have adventures. They suck. They do nothing but study and get good grades and wear clothes that match and have last year's haircut. The people who have adventures don't give a care about the rules and just go by their gut. Right? Well, in the world's eyes, yeah. But God and the world rarely meet eye to eye. With God, it's obedience that creates a popping and sizzling life. It's listening to Him, hanging on the edge until you know the next step, and then leaping with all you've got.

So... thanks, Twitter.