For instance, Screwtape makes is apparent that it makes absolutely no sense to God to love us, that it doesn't even make sense that He would've bothered to create us in the first place, and on and on and on. And he's right. It doesn't. And the frustration that he had with that just made me grin. I mean, isn't that how crazy God loves us? That we really are, in all intensive purposes, insignificant, but God cares! God more than cares - He loves. And maybe it doesn't make sense, but sometimes not being able to fully comprehend something makes it even more beautiful.
"Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."This paragraph is literally teeming with truths. Like the fact that those moments when my heart wants to practically explode because of God - that is just God wooing me. That's not even Him pulling out all of the stops with His love and gifts and everything. Isn't that incredible? I find that incredible. I find that beyond incredible.
But the whole perspective on the times when God seems further away that normal is so true. That one line - "If only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles," - just really speaks to me, for some reason. I learned this summer, and heard it a ton of different ways, that we don't have to please God by our actions or by doing everything right. That was such a release for me to learn. Still, the mental picture of God holding us up, teaching us to walk, and then taking away His hand... not so that we can walk perfectly and even run, but in hopes that we still want to walk. Even if we fail, the fact that we want to makes God smile, pleases Him. Just the wanting. That's it.
There was a time early last winter when I was in one of the troughs Lewis is talking about. It wasn't that I didn't love God or anything, but things had gotten so tough. I had been in a veritable greenhouse of spiritual support over the summer, and then, that wasn't there. I wanted to do so much stuff for the church plant, but my school life kept giving me one obligation after another. I was feeling disheartened with how the church was going. I felt like I was fighting everything by myself, like God had gotten bored with me and moved on to something else, and I kept yelling, "Where the heck are You? Do You even care anymore? You started this whole thing, now help me finish it!" It sucked, and I hated it, but I knew that there was no way that I was going to go back to the person I used to be, so I just gritted my teeth and kept going. I kept pouring myself into the church even though I was exasperated. I kept praying even though I would've bet money that God wasn't even listening anymore. I tried to do what I knew God wanted me to do even though I doubted He was watching.
And then, the tension broke. The hug I felt from God after that long time of not even knowing where He went was incredible. Then, He whispered truth. He never left. He was always right there with me, watching me, listening to me, helping me, guiding me, loving me... even when I didn't know it. And He was proud of me. And that made it all worthwhile. Just realizing that that entire time, He was there... He never actually did leave me. He was just as near as ever. I love that.
The thing is, that was the last "trough" period I'll ever have, but they don't last forever. And if I have to go through them to grow, to be tested, to please God, to become the woman He wants me to be, then I'm all for them. It's just a matter of keeping on praying, keeping on doing the work. And it's not like I'll be by myself anyways. He's always there.
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