Whenever I do my journaling (what the heck, spellcheck, that is too a word...), every now and then, I go back and read through the last couple of weeks. It's awe-inspiring to see how God speaks through Scripture, and how He brings about events in my life that are so obviously part of His plan for me that I sometimes miss when I'm going through it. And part of me also gets a kick out of seeing how they all seem to connect. Whatever I write about one day is usually still on my mind the next, and so it seeps into whatever I read the next day. It all just becomes this wonderful sequence of discovering truths and applying them, and then that leading to something else... I love it. Anyways, I had some time to spare today, so I started reading back through the past two weeks or so. Instead of seeing a flow of progression, it seemed like everything was stuck on the same thing. The verses that I was drawn to all had to deal with love, which is kind of the norm anyways, but it didn't move forward. And what I journaled about had a different ring to it. They seemed rather cliched at first, and as days passed, they grew more and more frustrated, even bitter. I didn't know how to handle that, or even how to go about thinking on it, so I... erm... ignored it. Or tried to. I decided to do my journaling for today, and wouldn't you know it, 1 Corinthians just had to have this short and simple, but powerful and potent, nugget in it.
"Do everything in love." 1 Corinthians 16:14I openly admitted to myself that I hadn't been doing the greatest job at that lately, for some reason. And the more I thought about that, the more that I realized that just that admittance in itself bothered me. It even disgusted me. And then the fact that it disgusted me disgusted me. I mean, why did the fact that I was struggling to be motivated by love phase me so much? Did I really have that much pride?
And the answer is, yes. Love is probably my favorite part of the Bible. Yes, the Bible is essentially a love story, but being loved by God in a way that is tighter than any friend, stronger than any father, more passionate than any guy is indescribable. It makes my heart hurt because I can't smile any bigger or feel any more grateful. The ways that we're encouraged to love Him back - that's what I want to do! And when I think about actually treating eachother with love, actual legit love that transcends everything and heals hurts and raises heads and tears down walls and has power... that's the stuff that I seriously daydream about. Now I was having to admit that, despite all of that, I wasn't being motivated by love, that I still had a lot to learn about it, that my passion wasn't enough to get me through. And my pride didn't like that.
In my day-to-day routine, there is a lot hurt and disrespect and gossip and one-sidedness that is there constantly, especially lately in regards to certain music organizations. It breaks my heart to see it... and then, I get frustrated. I get frustrated at the fact that people can't seem to love eachother, that nobody can seem to raise any opinion without a personal debate, that someone is gossiping at every turn (and it's a circle building, so it's one giant turn). And in that frustration, I cease to act and live in love. I act and live in that frustration. Frustration never leads to anything healthy unless it is motivated and guided by God. For me, frustration caused me to become the very thing that irked me in the first place. I'd gossip, only I'd pretend that if I called it "venting" and only did it to select close friends, it would actually be considered healthy. Ha! I'd start to view other people with a jaded mindset because of the exasperation I couldn't let go of. I was, in no way, acting in love! The love that spurred the frustration was removed from the equation entirely. I had become a walking double standard. And I hate double standards. That's a double standard in itself.
I made this realization... and felt horrible. Like seriously, I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn't even bring myself to talk to God about it because I couldn't (figuratively) look Him in the eye. I hate being disciplined, but I couldn't even see how it was worth it to discipline me in the first place. But I was in a public room and couldn't exactly go have a breakdown, so I got out a book that we've been going through in a women's study and read the chapter assigned for the week. You know, God is ironic. The chapter just so happened to be titled "Grace And Discipline".
If someone could've gone through the Bible, handpicked all of the tidbits of truth that I needed to hear right then, throw in some metaphors, and put it in a few pages... well, ha, someone did. Things hit me, things that I always knew but meant more in the light of my thoughts. Just because I was being disciplined didn't mean that I sucked! No, it means that God loves me, that He wants me to mature, that He views me as His completely and totally legit daughter. Pause for a second - just the truth that I am the daughter of God, THE God, blows my mind. I'm being disciplined because God sees a weak area and wants to fix it so that I become more and more like who He wants me to be, so that I can be used and tried and stretched and tested further than before. If I'm willing to work with God in this, changes will happen! That truth, that hope, just floored me. I actually felt excited that God wanted to discipline me!
There was a metaphor in that chapter that really resonated. When baby eagles get to a certain point, the mother eagle will "stir up the nest". She basically makes a big ruckus and hovers over her young until they fall from the nest which, by the way, is on a super freaking tall cliff. To the baby eagles, it's horrific. A loving parent all of the sudden loses her mind and has a conniption fit and pushes you off of a cliff to your certain death?! What!?! But it's completely necessary for her to do this, and she knows it. The babies have to get out there and use their wings and fly. If they stay in that nest and keep growing, it'll actually get dangerous. She knows this, and she's been watching them and caring for them and knows when the time is right to kick them out. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care - it means that she does! She is watching them with even sharper focus when she does this!
Eagles were meant to fly. They just have to be pushed first. They have to grow. And that's us. That's us as Christians. That's me. God has incredible plans for me - I'm meant to soar! But things have to change first. I have to be pushed. And God's pushing me. He's showing me where I need to grow, and although it sucks, He's going to help me with it. He hasn't just slapped me across the face with ugly realizations about myself and then left me to figure out what pieces go back together or how to change. No, He did the slapping, and now, He's helping me learn to fly.
0 comments:
Post a Comment