Restorer of Streets

Guten tag from Chicago! I'm approximately halfway through my week-long stint of evangelism internship with Destination Church, which has already been an incredible time of being refined by God. Basically, we do a lot of on-the-streets evangelism with fliers for the summer series and surveys, and there are festivals every weekend where a Soularium booth will be set up. We're also reading Reimagining Evangelism by Rich Richardson, which has thrown some pretty challenging nuggets up in my face already to chew on, and it's only chapter two! I'm also getting to meet some great people, and the Sweetmans are fantastic. Except Matt, because he is bald. I'm really bummed that I can't stay for the entire month (I'll be leaving early Sunday afternoon so that I can get back to Maryville by a decent enough time on Monday to handle percussion lessons and drumline preparation).

But anyways, enough for that journalism-esque update. I want to rewind the scene back to Monday night, which was the first night that I actually stayed in Chicago.

For the past year or so, God's shown me in different ways that He wants me to help church plant. At Celebration Midwest, He laid cities on my heart. Okay, pause. I am not a city girl. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere, I am incredibly dorky, I am a white girl who insists that she is black which only makes her more white. So I argued with God for a bit, and then after He calmed me down, I got really excited. Like, really, really, really excited. Really.

When I first started walking around Chicago for an hour before orientation on Monday, I fell in love with the city. It was beautiful, it was vibrant, it was full of culture and stories. I was a little frustrated because I couldn't parallel park and had to try some six spots before I even somewhat managed to park correctly, but still. Later that night, a group of us girls went to a park and experienced a FireDance, or hippie pasttime of fire and weed and drums every full moon. Kind of weird, but really cool.

That night, everything from the day caught up with me, and I was reduced to tears. I hated the city. I hated how dirty it was, I missed fresh air, the parking was crazy. Walking everywhere, which was cool at first, just felt annoying. I felt like just one face out of a million, like I didn't matter. I felt lost and overwhelmed. And what killed me was that I couldn't see the stars. I hated the city. But God had called me to a city. I realized that I was going to have to give up so much. I felt like I would never ever ever fit in. This awesome dream that God had given me a year ago started to crumble, and I didn't know what to do.

I prayed about it. I realized that whatever city God decided to put me in more permanently, I would fall in love with because God would stir that in my heart. I realized that I'm in the third largest United States city, and that there are tons of other cities that I might be sent to that would be a bit less scary. I took a deep breath, and I was fine. The last few days, I have really started to get my bearings. I love it here now, or at least more so! I know where I'm going, I understand the rail system, and I even cross streets when I'm not supposed to like a true Chicago-an (lol). I'm getting it. I'm still apprehensive about what God has in store for my future, but I'm getting it.

Then, I got these verses this morning.

 ⁶ "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
       to loose the chains of injustice
       and untie the cords of the yoke,
       to set the oppressed free
       and break every yoke?
 ⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
       and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
       when you see the naked, to clothe him,
       and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
 ⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
       and your healing will quickly appear;
       then your righteousness ^[a] will go before you,
       and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
 ⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
       you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
       "If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
       with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
 ¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
       and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
       then your light will rise in the darkness,
       and your night will become like the noonday.
 ¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;
       he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
       and will strengthen your frame.
       You will be like a well-watered garden,
       like a spring whose waters never fail.
 ¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
       and will raise up the age-old foundations;
       you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
       Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. Isaiah 58:6-12

I think that God wrote those verses just for me. I mean, that's my heart! The oppressed, the hurting, the poor, the homeless, the stereotyped, those who have faced injustice over and over again... those are the very people that I want to help, that I want to live with and get to know and reach and LOVE! And so, God gives me verse 11 and 12.

The LORD will guide you always. He won't leave me stranded and overwhelmed. He'll show me how to reach a culture that is different than mine. And, to take it a little more literally (lol), maybe He'll even keep me from getting completely and totally lost in this maze of streets.

He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land... God knows my heart and He knows what makes it soar. He knows that I'll be giving up things that I love to serve a city somewhere, things like stars and close friends and fresh air and total darkness and wildflowers. He knows that. And He'll satisfy those things in me in ways that I don't even know yet. He'll provide for me. He'll show me new things to fall in love with.

...and will strengthen your frame. Don't laugh at this one, but you walk a TON in a city and I am exhausted at the end of every day between the walking and the emotional toil of being totally alert for hours on end. So this is encouraging.

And the last parts about being a sort of oasis, of never running dry, of rebuilding a city from brokenness... I'm not useless! He'll bless His handiwork through me, He'll show His love through me. There is a point and I will be productive, I will make a change. Something beautiful will come out of this dry place.

God sat me down and said, "Girl, stop it. Stop worrying. I've got you."

This city - and every city - is His.

My soul is well!

Two weeks ago, I was in a dry, frustrated, stagnant state. But God has put the smile back on my face and the song back into my heart! And I have learned all over again that...

The Spirit frees us from excuses. During one of the night sessions at OneBlaze, I felt God saying, "Get your butt to Borders, now." I was excited and ready to go and let the Spirit take the lead, but the bigger part of me thought it was ridiculous. For one, it was around 9:45 at night, and Borders would probably be closed. For two, it isn't necessarily the wisest choice for a girl to go off alone to talk to strangers. For three, all of the guys were busy praying or would be taking campers back to MWSU, so who would I take? Should I wait? I came up with a list of reasons why I shouldn't go, and then, I went. I prayed for help, I prayed for clarity, I prayed for boldness. Long story short, seeds were planted and a soul was saved! I will rejoice with Casey forever in heaven! The Spirit is often spur-of-the-moment, nonsensical, and charging. But the Spirit is also powerful, and although we could discount His pressings, God is glorified in our obedience. I said long ago that I would serve Him with everything I am every day of my life. I serve an incredible King, and if He says go, I need to go!

God can make things that this world has corrupted beautiful again. Romantic relationships are a gift of God, something that He created and has created us for! And, like most things that God has given us, our society has made a mess of them. I have been in a lot of relationships, most of which got caught up in the physical aspect quickly. Although I've been healed and restored - oh, God is so gracious!! - I have always wondered what a relationship centered on God was like. Well, I am almost a month into a relationship with a great Godly guy, and although I know that's not long, he still means a lot to me. I spent five days last week working at that OneBlaze camp along with him. We both had responsibilities and so we had to watch ourselves regarding PDA, regarding consideration as we both got more tired and more impatient... but I couldn't have asked for a more blessed few days. We are growing spiritually! We are on a mission together! We're seeing how we work as a team to build the Kingdom! I wish we had more chances to serve God together, and that's so hard, being in different places. But what I'm experiencing is a relationship restored, a relationship centered and focused solely on God and His plan for the world. It is so, so, so good.

I am not a useless disappointment. One thing that I have been struggling with most of the summer is that I have placed God into a working relationship category. That sucked the joy out of if, and without joy, I couldn't worship or pray, and without worship or prayer, I couldn't be moved by the Spirit, and without the Spirit, I had no drive to do anything. I got stuck in this giant rut, and when I would wake up and want to serve God, Satan (stupid idiot) would tell me that I had messed up so much lately that God was disappointed in me and wouldn't possibly want to use me. I bought into that so deeply... but it's not true! It's not, in the least bit true! I couldn't EVER disappoint God! He knows me so intimately, so thoroughly, and knows when I'll mess up, and still loves me, not even the tiniest bit less! He looks at me, sees the sacrifice and righteousness of His Son, and says, "Chin up, girl; I love you." He has an adventure for me! I LOVE THAT!! And despite anything I've ever done or any slump I've ever slipping into, He still has work for me to do and still sees me as qualified to do it - no, not just qualified  to do it, but made for it! It's an adventure for me to go on out of a heart of joy and love and service, not of obligation. And that is a huge difference.

God is faithful. I have been praying for the joy to come back. I have been praying for the yearning to see the Gospel spread again. I have been praying for the love and the passion. I have been praying for a breakthrough. And God answered!! He never had, for even one second, turned away from me, and He has been romancing my heart day in and day out. He has given me back that burning desire to take the world for Him. He has released me from that lying mindset of treating my relationship with Him as something similar to a business relationship and shown me the joy of serving Him out of love. I had been begging for Him to somehow tear down whatever walls I had thrown up, to push me up out of this rut... and He is faithful! He did just that!! And He will be faithful to His promises for Maryville, and I am just tingling with excitement to watch Him work!

God is sovereign. That truth has just been hitting me harder and harder lately... His glory and power is infinite. He is in charge of everything, He knows everything, and He has everything under control. He is powerful over my financial worries, over my stress regarding the music department stuff for next year, over the Maryville church, over my parents, over everything. I am just floored by how complete His power and reign is, and the fact that a God that glorious knows me, made me, adores me, chose me... there aren't words to capture it.

With all creation, I sing praise to the King of Kings!

You are my everything, and I will adore You!!