I'm homesick, I'm home alone, voila.

I am a little girl. I get excited easily, nervous easily, scared easily, and thrilled easily. I love exploring and feeling and smiling. I want to fly. I want to sing loudly and play Christmas music on the piano while my family sits at the dinner table. I don't want to let go of dreams. I want to be allowed to fail every now and then. I like the toy sections in Wal-Mart more than the home decor sections. I never want to stop being my daddy's little girl or princess.

I am a grown-up woman. I have ambitions and dreams and I aim to run after them with all that I have. I love having responsibilities and challenges because they give me something to apply myself to. From time to time, I even like cleaning house and doing dishes and cooking. I like the thought of having my own career. I daydream about a future in a different place with a family of my own. I want to take kids to karate lessons and dance practices. I want to be the kind of woman a man could be proud of. I want to be vibrant and exuberant and affect people.

But the reality is, I'm stuck between the two. I want to jump out on my own, but I still get homesick from time to time and sleep with a stuffed dog. I want to just sit and marvel and explore absolutely everything around me, but I want a job to do too. I want to start my career, but the expenses of life scare me. I want to chase my ambitions and make the difference that I know I was born to make, but I'm scared.

I'm somewhere between a little girl and an adult. And it's terrifying.

Here's what I know, though.

Even when I have an apartment and a husband and two kids and a puppy, I will still have two amazing guys as brothers and a set of parents that will be there for me. Even when I have my own little princesses, I'll still be Daddy's little girl. Even when I come home from my job at school worn out and frustrated, I'll have the friends only a phone call away that I know will pick up and be able to share my concerns with. Even when I can finally navigate city traffic like a pro, I'll still know how to drive a combine. Even if I never come back to Maryville after I leave here, I'll know that I'll still be connected to the church here.

I don't know if anyone ever truly feels like they're ready to be grown-up. Everyone, I think, has a piece of their childhood that they never want to let go of. For me, I think it's just the freedom to imagine. To dream and marvel and pretend.

And I think God's okay with that. He loved me as a little girl, and He'll love me as an adult, and He loves me in this in-between time too. But I think He doesn't want me to ever stop being awed. I think He wants to wow His girl with something new every single day. I think He wants me to explore His love and His mission for me and all of that. I think He's fine-tuned an adventure just for me.

So maybe I don't know which column I fit into right now - kid or adult. And maybe I never will. And maybe that's okay. It's okay to be homesick. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to want to be done with school and just go. It's okay to wish for the future. It's okay to miss the past.

I don't know where I was going with this. But I know where I've wound up. With reassurance that God has helped me grow up this far, and He's not done with me yet.

Phew.

I didn't know how much I needed to be told that again.

"When I became a man, I put away childish things, such as fear of childishness and a desire to be very grown-up." - C.S. Lewis