"God made my life complete when I placed all of the pieces before Him. When I cleaned up my act, He gave me a fresh start." 2 Samuel 22:21 MSGThe truth of those few sentences floors me. God will turns lives around, refresh our souls, make our steps right - but we have to let go of the pieces first. We have to let Him. He's not a forceful God when it comes to healing us. He's gentle, oh so gentle. He sees our hurt and how deep our pain is, and He doesn't pry and push us into submission. He waits until we're ready to let go, to be vulnerable, to get rid of the security blanket that has been crippling us more than we probably realize.
I've been in a handful of relationships with guys. Some of them have been good and taught me a lot. Some of them brought a tremendous amount of pain. Towards the last half of my high school career, I started dating a guy that I had liked for what seemed like ages. Things were fine initially but went downhill soon and fast and hard. That relationship ended the summer before I came to college, and I don't have the words to describe to you the kind of person I was at the end of it. The guilt and hurt and anger was more baggage than I knew what to do with. It did bring me back to God, though. I knew that I had completely shifted away from Him, and so, aching and broken, I ran back to Him. I asked for forgiveness time and time again.
That's the start of the problem right there - I kept asking for forgiveness. If anything, at least I was earnest, but I was missing the point. God had welcomed me back. He has forgiven me. All of that mess that made up my past was gone, deleted, erased, forgiven, forgotten. It no longer existed. But I kept bringing it up because I couldn't forget and I couldn't see how I could ever forgive myself. It's a giant slap in God's face - "Yeah, thanks for forgiving me and dying so that none of that sin matters anymore, but if I can't forgive myself, it doesn't really matter." If I were God, I would've gotten really ticked off right about then. But thank goodness I'm not. Anyways, because I couldn't forgive myself and couldn't let those pieces go, that wound just stayed there, open and festering, never healing. It would get close... so close... there were times when I could feel the love of God and the freedom that only He can offer. He had my heart and my life, after all! I had given it to Him and my life was being changed! But I couldn't give up that part of my heart, I couldn't let go of my mistakes, and every time that I experienced God, Satan would throw the guilt right back in my face after a few days.
It wasn't until last summer that I realized that I had never let those pieces go. I hadn't even realized that I was holding on to them. I thought that the guilt and pain was part of the consequences. I mean, God can forgive a man of murder, for example, but he'll still go to jail. I had messed up hardcore, and even though God forgave me, the guilt and anger and disgust was mine to bear. A friend caught me one night when I was struggling with that pain more than ever, and she threw hard nuggets of truth and love in my face. She said that I had to get it out, this secret that I had been trying to hide from the world was just going to continue to eat me up and be a barrier between God and I until I let it go. She was right. But holy crap, I was terrified. As much as I hated the guilt, it had become my security blanket.
I took a deep and shaky breath... and let it all out. I didn't know where or even how to start, but once I did, it just kept coming out - all of the hurt and lies and guilt and disgust and hatred and anger. I didn't realize how deep these roots had grown to reach to, but my friend told me to keep digging, so I did. Afterwards, I was exhausted and had a horrible crying headache and a whole box of used Kleenexes on the floor... but I was light. I felt free! I felt God flooding into me and filling the parts of my heart that those pieces used to occupy! I felt love and could accept it and be lavished by it without feeling guilt!
I am new!
I am clean!
I am pure!
I am beautiful!
I am precious!
I am loved...
That verse is so true. "He made my life complete". It's incredible, so incredible, letting God wash me clean.
And when I look around me, I see so many people still grasping onto their own pieces, carrying around baggage that they don't have to. It breaks my heart, because they were made to be conquerors, to be free, to be vibrant and joyous and full of fire! It's there for them, if they'd just let go and let God heal them. And perhaps that's where I can step in. Maybe they need someone to tell them to let go, like my friend had to tell me. Maybe I can help.
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